My last post a few weeks ago was a hard-hitting expose on the impacts of the economic downturn on our blog, which I scientifically measured by checking how many poor saps were still reading it even though we never post anymore (don’t worry, poor saps, here is another piece of Marie Antoinette’s cake for you from one poor sap to another-that is, my blog is the mythical cake you are supposed to be eating when you have no bread–is this analogy just really going off the rails here or what?). However, with my keen powers of observation, I have detected another measure of the societal ills we face, specifically, lack of big hair.
That’s right. Hair size has been on a steady decrease since the 1980’s until girls are forced to go out and purchase flatteners or straighteners or whatever they call those heinous devices to completely take any poufiness out of their hair, until it is as flat as the hair from the 60’s that had to be ironed on a ironing board, which led to all manner of licentious 60’s behavior and the general unraveling of traditional society as we know it. Once again, it was up to us 80’s kids to uphold morality and hair volume with only our pure hearts, curling irons, and huge cans of Aquanet.
I have been looking at class pictures lately and have noticed this decline in hair size (and good behavior and economic power-they’re all related) since the 80’s. And I believe I have finally found the cause for all our problems.